Another day. Another Useless phone call.

Doctor said she needs to take the same antibiotic for 5 days, twice a day, again.

I posted this on Facebook:

"Nababaliw na ko sa mga doctors ng mom ko. We're going in circles. I don't know what else there is to say or do. Be strong, keep it up---things people tell you pag wala nang solution. Cancer sucks."

People are telling me to pray, let God do his thing, 'hang in there'…. God, I don't understand shit like this. Mother, what shall I do with you? Like, she's still the same. If you talk to her, she's still the same person, it's like nothing's wrong with her. But in reality, she's actually dying. And she's about to die. And I fucking cannot handle it. If I can, I just wanna stay away from her. Lord knows, HINDI KO SYA MAIWAN. I can't tell her to 'go'… I can't. What am I supposed to do with my life after this? What shall I do with you, mother?

The Fifth Month

She's okay. At least. She's still alive.
The doctors said they can't do anything for her anymore.
The therapy didn't work. And what's worse is a new lump developed.
The doctors also said she's got 6 months left.
My mom is now on pain medication. Taking 2 different types of pills to ease the pain and an antibiotic that she 's going to take for two weeks. She's still taking the pills that will keep her heart safe.

I'm thankful because I get the chance to spend time with her, get to know her, and show her I love her. She taught me a lot of things about life. About boys and how to love. She's fair and she tries to keep herself composed at all times. I love her and I hope somehow she can feel that I care. I hope she feels loved and needed and I want all the happiness in the world for her. My mom and I... we're not good with words. So God, if you're listening now, please take her pain away. That's all I ask of you.

5 DAYS OF THERAPY,
23 MORE TO GO.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
I HATE SEEING HER THAT WAY.
I don't show it. But it's true.
I'm a bad lover. Even to my own mom.

My favorite aunts came and paid my mom a visit today.

My one, strange but lovable aunt brought along with her a battalion of other visitors which pissed my mom to death. Nevertheless, I enjoyed being with them. We should always be like this.

Note to self: Take a picture next time.

Went to the doctor today to have her tube fixed...

I couldn't look at it. I still cannot believe what happened to my mother.

My mom who was always seen helping my grandmother chop the vegetables in the morning; My mother who rarely gets ill but usually in a bad temper...mom who was alive, well...

I told my grandmother I am sorry for behaving badly lately. She said it was alright. She told me to be nicer to the people, namely Flower and her cousin (my other uncle's wife who is Flower's cousin) who are taking care of my mother. Flower now sleeps in my mom's room, my mom's request. She feeds mom, cleans up after her in the bathroom... It's hard not being the one to do that sometimes. But at the same time I don't think I can handle doing it... I'm just really in a confused phase right now. And I'm really sad. I guess, admittedly, I don't know what to do without my mother. Despite our differences. Despite the distance between us. She defines who I am. And I love her.

She's been an inspiration to me, to be honest...I don't know what to do without her... I'll leave it here for now..

PS

hung out with my best friend's this afternoon. it's 5 am, and I just got home. I had a nice day.

I FEEL SO SAD...

EACH DAY I SEE HER I'M BECOMING WEAKER.

GOD KNOWS I'M TELLING THE TRUTH: IT'S EASIER TO BE ANGRY

THAN TO SHOW HOW SAD YOU REALLY ARE.

I CRY ALL THE TIME.

I FEEL SO SAD.. AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME.

I WISH I COULD MAKE IT STOP.

March 24 2010

They took off the catheter but the nephrostomy tube to help her urinate is still there…

Next… the treatment for cancer… I don’t even know if it’s still worth it…